When I read about this story in the news, I felt like writing a letter to this parent! Tedd Tripp (author of Shepherding a Child’s Heart), of course, did a much better job than I could have ever done. As this is a current news story, it may be a good talking point in sharing the gospel with friends who are parents and/or a person who struggles with anger (don’t we all!). This is quoted as a note from Tripp published online at Shepherd Press and it is entitled, “The “When” vs. “Why” of Anger”:
Many of us have heard the telephone message left recently by a celebrity dad for his eleven year old daughter. If you have, you no doubt felt a deep sense of sadness that a child would be verbally abused by her father. For my part, I wish I had never heard the message. It wasn’t my business and the fact that millions have heard it can only increase the shame and humiliation of this eleven year old victim.
As the message unfolds, the celebrity dad, who is the non-custodial parent, excoriates his daughter for failing to answer the phone for a scheduled called. The father is clearly angry because he feels disrespected and powerless to do anything. In his anger he blames his daughter for humiliating him and making him feel like a fool (actually a nicer word than what was used on the message).I believe, if we had been able to stop him, mid-rant, and asked why he was so angry, he would have said, “I’ll tell you why I’m angry, I’m angry because she disrespects me and makes me feel like a fool. She has done it repeatedly and I am sick of it.â€
But the circumstances are not why he is angry; the circumstances are the when. Why is he angry? He is angry because he is not getting what he wants. James 4:1-2 makes it clear that the cause of fights and quarrels is never circumstantial: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.â€
This distinction between the “when†and the “why†of behavior is a key thing for you to understand. Your child’s behavior is never “why†you are angry; it is the “whenâ€. The “why†of your anger is always internal. You are not getting what you want. You want respect, obedience, cooperation; there are desires battling within. If you get angry it is not because of the circumstance of your son or daughter’s misbehavior. It is because you are not getting what you want.
This truth brings needed clarity to our problem. Anger is not something out of control, dependent on the actions and attitudes of others. Anger has to do with things within, things that God can help me to understand and die to. If my child’s words, behavior, or attitudes are “why†not “when†I get angry, there is no hope for me unless he behaves differently. But if those things are “when,†if I am angry because I have enthroned something other than God as the condition of my happiness, then I have someplace to go. I can go to God and ask Him to search my heart. By the power of grace I can turn aside from the things that I have made the condition of my happiness, and instead find my joy and satisfaction in Him. This can free me to interact with my child in ways that are truly nurturing and never abusive.